Ok, so I got this thing. This shape-shifting thing. This thing that I do. I am so concerned with security, with having a future, a plan. Yet, to make a plan really work, you have to be static enough to work it. And I change so much. My future is constantly changing. It changes faster than it is possible for me to plan.
I am somewhat of an anxious person naturally, and this aspect makes me increasingly so. I'm constantly chasing shifting rainbows.
So here I am, back in Bloomington and trying to figure out what I'm going to do with myself. How am I going to live. How am I going to construct my life.
I keep trying things on, and nothing seems to fit right. Or it only fits for a year or two, then I grow out of it. I know a lot of things which I don't want to do. A lot of people who I don't want to be. And I have this idea of the people I am drawn to, fascinated by. I'd like to be like them. To realize that. But in real life there are details, logistics. I'm trying to work out the details. Refining. Distilling life into the most important and worthwhile pursuits.
And sometimes I think about going back to Portland because I would be surrounded by these people who fascinate me. But this problem I have, this money problem would only get worse. And I am really trying to eliminate/minimize the effect money has on my life and well-being. Simplify, simplify, simplify.
So I look back on the things that I have done, the places I have lived, the people I have been, and I wonder- was it all a series of phases? Of fads? Am I just a series of temporary persona's? Because if that is the case, then how can I trust myself to do/be anything in the future? How can I trust that the things of which I am currently invested will always be? Am I just bullshitting myself like I have been bullshitting everyone else all along?
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