buy my shit pile, no really

this is awesome. can the government buy my bad investments too? my bad investments, being of course, student loan debt (i.e. the government, itself)!
my current debt = student loans 63K, plus credit debt (due to moving mutliple times for jobs resulting from said college) 13K. for a total of 76K, all higher education-related.
wooowie!
i mean, come on! as a smart, impressionable 17 year old, when everyone is saying, "hey, you're smart. you're a good kid. go to college and get a good job!" who are you to argue? apparently, not smart enough to see through the cracks until it was too late. i am currently working in a temporary job for 11 bucks an hour. among my monthly bills, i have a $242 a month student loan payment (for the next 29 years- so yes, i will be nearing 60 when that finally gets paid off) and a $325 a month credit card payment. these two bills alone make up almost half of my monthly take home pay. pretty soon i'm going to be forced to stop paying my credit card bill. i just can't do it. i refuse to starve so i can pay 13% interest. i am going to be applying for income contingent student loan payments, but this requires a months worth of pay stubs. i've still got another week before even that happens.
so...awesome! can you blame me for being a little bitter? for thinking that the system let me down? for not believing in the system?
i guess this blog more than anything is about hitting bottom. that's usually around where my philosophical rantings fester. and even the fictionalized memoir stuff i'm working on, it's all very baptismal. continually hitting bottom, and bouncing. things totally falling to pieces, and still breathing afterwards, getting up. putting things back together. knowing that nothing really matters. that everything is going to be ok in the end.
for me that is the whole point. to stay near the bottom, to keep thinking clearly. to not get too full of myself. to take nothing for granted. doing embarrassing things all the time keeps me fearless of others judgement. staying far enough from the carrott means that i never get sucked into doing things for the wrong reasons. for an ego trip, for validation, for money. it keeps me free. it keeps me clear. strong. knowing that i'm never going to win, succeed, be famous, means that i'm free to fail. continuously. that's the bounce.

things i need to sell this week: my tv, a set of knee, elbow pads, and wrist guards, a pair of ogi japanese eyeglass frames. any takers?

there is no spoon

so i was emailing with an old friend last week and he was asking me about my feelings on anarchy. i figured it might fit in with this here blog, so this is what i responded with.

have you seen this?
take the test and see where you are. i am apparently more extreme than gandhi. it's not a left vs. right thing, it's not a straight line. my
results are attached.
i would love to see real socialism/communism but i realize people have a problem with this because it can seem to leech out the creativity from a
people. i get that. and i do love the diy. seeing that capitalism isn't going to fall any time soon, i am all for taking advantage of the system and evening the score as much as possible.
when i say i am an anarchist, i mean that i am against aligning myself with any sort of system. i refuse to buy in, or to be sold, to a belief system. i am ultimately aiming for freedom from want. i refuse to be herded into a job i don't want, just for the money, so i can buy shit i don't need. none of that is important, it's just there to keep the system going. to perpetuate capitalism, the creation of money.
i am not working for anyone's validation. i don't need society to approve of me. i work outside of, below the system. i work for the uni, i pay my bills, but my mind is free. i am not a bought woman. in this way, i am completely free to think, do, feel, as comes naturally. i am uncorrupted. pure. money, status, looks- none of that shit matters. all that matters is your experience of the world. are you pushing yourself to be more than you are? how open are you to experience? and how satisfied are you that you are taking advantage of your life?
rules, laws are created by men, for the governing and control of man. they are supposed to represent us all, but they will never represent me- my needs, my ideas, my outlook. therefore, they do not apply to me. i have no reason to fear them, to abide by them. the law is just another man, one whom you let be in control of you. no one controls me. i make my own decisions. i am fearless. do you get it?
i think if all the banks fell and we had a new depression. it would be awesome. it would be the beginning of a new day. everyone back at zero, everyone as equal. we could start something new, something beautiful. we could use all that we have learned, we could be so much better than this. because we really are equal. who says one person is better, bigger, more important than someone else? money. power. greed. status. celebrity. all of that is meaningless bullshit. don't let it control you. don't let it own you. if you do, you are giving up your life. letting society at large take the wheel from you. it's your life, fucking live it!

On being “Fingerbang,” or not working for validation

I recently joined a recreational group here in town. A group which requires a snarky moniker. Now, I had been a member of a similar group in Florida, and as coming up with a good moniker is extremely anxiety-inducing for me, I decided to keep my former name. All is good, yes?
Well, it seems there may be a problem. My name may or may not be rated-PG 13. My former group did not have a problem with this, but it seems the group here does. There is talk of censoring my name, at least for certain purposes/places/times. I do get their reasoning, although I think it’s blown a little out of proportion, especially considering the nature of the group and the point of having a funny alter-ego with multiple meanings. And yes, we are supposedly in the Bible belt, but Bloomington is an oasis of awesomeness. (Miss Gay IU? The Kinsey Institute?)
The problem seems to be with the crown jewel of my name, “Fingerbang.” I could probably change it to Anita Nailer, or Anita Boner, and it would retain some of the same meanings, but in the most important sense- in terms of the exact reason that I picked said name, it would become meaningless. It is that which makes it subversive that I love.
And it seems to me that the whole point of said group is to be subversive. To empower women. To show women that we can do anything, to break boundaries, to break taboos. i.e. the creation of alter-egos! It seems to me that censoring a name is antithetical to the mission of the group. And as long as a member can give a rational explanation with some measure of passion that goes beyond simply being explicit for shock value, the name should stand as is.
Who knows how this will all turn out. It looks like this issue will be voted on, or at least debated, at an upcoming meeting. As my role in the group is of a certain kind, I am not even sure if I will be allotted a vote. I am not even sure if I’m supposed to know that it’s a controversy at this point. It’s all very hush-hush.
It’s all this talk of censoring my name that’s making me feel creepy. Like I should be ashamed. Like I should second-guess myself. If they are thinking of censoring my name, the implication is that they are embarrassed by my name. And that implies that they are embarrassed by me. And that’s definitely not empowering or good for group morale. And all of that is what I am completely against. So to fight this feeling, I am recording my thoughts here on why I picked the name and what it means to me.
Yes, it does have a sexual reference, and that makes it kind of funny, but that is not the primary reason for the pick, nor what I plan to emphasize.
Who says the word, fingerbang? Primarily juvenile boys aged 12 to 14. And 30 year-old men with the sense of humor of boys aged 12 to 14. (Obviously, I am secretly a 12 year-old boy because I include myself in this group.)
It’s not a lesbian thing at all. Lesbians as a general rule do not say fingerbang! Adults do not say fingerbang. Seventh-grade boys do. And no one says it with a straight face. It is funny precisely because of its juvenile quality. It’s inherently innocuous! It’s inherently cheeky!
But at the same time, it’s taboo. Which is why it’s funny when people do say it. They can feel like they’re being crazy and breaking a rule.
The point is to force myself to be ridiculous. When I introduce myself to someone as “Anita Fingerbang,” I can’t help but laugh, and that makes the other person laugh. Me being ridiculous means that the other person is free to be ridiculous without any judgment. Without any taboo. I have already broken the boundary.
The point is not to highlight sexuality, but to subvert the system. To help people open their eyes to their preconceived notions about propriety. Why we stop ourselves from doing or saying perfectly ok things because of fear. Fear of being judged, embarrassed, laughed at. Well, here’s the kicker kiddos- you are only judged if you accept their sentence, embarrassed if you let them embarrass you, and laughed at only if you aren’t laughing at yourself as well.
My goal is to remove all fear. Go ahead and act a fool, be a complete dork. You know what’s going to happen? Nothing. You show people that it’s ok to laugh with you and they will. You put people at ease, you make friends, and you become free. When you let yourself completely fall, you bounce. And it’s the bouncing that’s fun. The knowing that you are going to be saved.

Or maybe I’m just an effing philosophical anarchist with a heart. And I get that I will always be way left of center, and that there will always be people with whom I fundamentally don’t agree. People who will always think I am out of line. That comes with the territory, with being me. With continually pushing the boundaries. The key is to learn all this, to know it, and to do it anyway.

the big fat whale

ok, so I have been working at the Uni for a few weeks now and have started to get into a rhythym. the first day of classes was yesterday and a friend who works in the building and I walked downtown for lunch.
oooooh, Bloomington.
i love it, i really really love it. but here's the thing-
everyday i see the applications of prospective students who desperately want the chance to mortgage their entire futures to come to IU. they are arguing for the chance to spend 80 to 120 grand over four years to come to a college. why? because we as a society have convinced them that they have to have a college degree to survive in the world. to get a job. to be anything. to be worthwhile.
we are selling validation.
and that's kind of fucked up, no?
who convinced a seventeen year old that he needed a resume? a four page resume at that? declarations and passionate essays about career hopes and planned majors from juniors in high school! who created this system?
and how can we slow it down?
i hate that it's like this. i want to pull them all aside and tell them not to sweat all this.
we went down to the cool hipster burrito place for lunch and there was a cute girl behind the counter. typewriter tattoo on her chest. i think she gets it. i think most of them do. the kids at the hipster coffee place, the anarchist bookstore.
we all live off the byproducts of this economy. the townies, the hipsters, the drop-outs. we're all barnacles. living in a college town means we gets lots of freebies. cheap eateries, lots of art and music, entertainment, cool bookstores, thrift stores, lots of social groups to join.
and those freebies, those byproducts are what make Bloomington so cool. they are what make it different. special. it is the mix of leftovers which creates this creatively charged atmosphere.
so without the Uni, we don't get Bloomington as we know it. we'd all be living in Bedford. and it would only be a few of us, cause a lot of us ended up here because of the Uni in the first place.
a catch 22, huh?
i am choosing to hope that most of the kids here are beind paid for by the salaries of their big-corporate working parents. the fact that i know this is not the case for many students is what kills me. kids who don't qualify for financial aid, but also don't have enough parental income to pay for school. kids who take on enormous student loans at seventeen in order to get an ever devaluing B.A. kids who don't know enough about this decision they are making. who feel pressured into going to college. who are betting on getting a decent job after graduation in order to pay for these loans. (and pay for thirty years in some cases.) tuition goes up, salaries go down, loans get extended.
i have to accept that this is the system. that this is the way things work. and that if the whale leaves or weren't here, i wouldn't get to eat the tidbits on the surface. really not that different from learning to live with capitalism.
learn to live with it and do as much as i can beneath the surface. out of view. take advantage of what is here. that is my mission.