buy my shit pile, no really

this is awesome. can the government buy my bad investments too? my bad investments, being of course, student loan debt (i.e. the government, itself)!
my current debt = student loans 63K, plus credit debt (due to moving mutliple times for jobs resulting from said college) 13K. for a total of 76K, all higher education-related.
wooowie!
i mean, come on! as a smart, impressionable 17 year old, when everyone is saying, "hey, you're smart. you're a good kid. go to college and get a good job!" who are you to argue? apparently, not smart enough to see through the cracks until it was too late. i am currently working in a temporary job for 11 bucks an hour. among my monthly bills, i have a $242 a month student loan payment (for the next 29 years- so yes, i will be nearing 60 when that finally gets paid off) and a $325 a month credit card payment. these two bills alone make up almost half of my monthly take home pay. pretty soon i'm going to be forced to stop paying my credit card bill. i just can't do it. i refuse to starve so i can pay 13% interest. i am going to be applying for income contingent student loan payments, but this requires a months worth of pay stubs. i've still got another week before even that happens.
so...awesome! can you blame me for being a little bitter? for thinking that the system let me down? for not believing in the system?
i guess this blog more than anything is about hitting bottom. that's usually around where my philosophical rantings fester. and even the fictionalized memoir stuff i'm working on, it's all very baptismal. continually hitting bottom, and bouncing. things totally falling to pieces, and still breathing afterwards, getting up. putting things back together. knowing that nothing really matters. that everything is going to be ok in the end.
for me that is the whole point. to stay near the bottom, to keep thinking clearly. to not get too full of myself. to take nothing for granted. doing embarrassing things all the time keeps me fearless of others judgement. staying far enough from the carrott means that i never get sucked into doing things for the wrong reasons. for an ego trip, for validation, for money. it keeps me free. it keeps me clear. strong. knowing that i'm never going to win, succeed, be famous, means that i'm free to fail. continuously. that's the bounce.

things i need to sell this week: my tv, a set of knee, elbow pads, and wrist guards, a pair of ogi japanese eyeglass frames. any takers?